My favorite way to communicate with calm
This week, I wanted to share some ideas I’ve been thinking about regarding communication and what I’m calling physiological safety.
I think this is key to more connected, more trusted and more effective working relationships.
I conceptualize physiological safety as the feeling of being safe in your body, especially at work.
Feeling grounded, more connected to what you want, knowing how to get there and being more emotionally regulated. Sounds nice, eh?
One of the ways you think about this is discovering what your Antidote State is.
Let me explain.
One of my clients told me she felt constricted at work, like she was wooden and stiff.
When she’d describe to me how she was showing up and communicating, overwhelming feelings of constraint came through: her throat would close up, her shoulders would scrunch high near her ears and if she stood in front of a room, she’d feel rooted to the spot; unmoving and immobile.
I wanted to find what I thought of as an antidote state for her: how could we re-imagine a new mental state or posture to find a truer, freer feeling, a direct antidote for constriction or constraint?
Could we find a communicative mode where she felt more fluid? Where her words would flow easily and fluently?
When I invited her to describe what her aspirational state would look and feel like, she told me she craved a space where she could "comfortably share my thoughts, test hypotheses, be curious, and have free-flowing ideas", which I thought was such an elegant and beautiful articulation.
We ended up calling this a space of “relaxed curiosity with spacious knowledge" - an idea countering the feeling of constraint she was experiencing.
Once we had named this state, I asked her to practice 'stepping into it' each time she had a conversation or interaction at work: could she imagine herself in her new relaxed, spacious state and then proceed?
It might feel a little clunky at first (a relaxed, imaginative state? Oh please!), but it's been a small revelation for her.
A week or so later I got an email from her saying that this is the first time in a long while that she's been "enjoying conversations" and feels comfortable "voicing my thoughts, even the more confrontational and provocative ones". What a win! The physical constraint she experienced has vanished in favor of seeking out her curiosity.
Why an antidote state works so well is because there's something powerful in leaning into the idea of a mental state or posture in which you feel comfortable and then taking your most comfortable self into the meeting.
It's an immediately actionable and practical re-frame that helps us literally imagine or envision a new state and let it seep into our communication.
Invitation: Describe to yourself or someone else what your ideal communicative headspace might look or sound like. It might be an antidote to any current communicative issues you’re experiencing. Decide on a shorthand name for this space and remind yourself of it when you’re feeling under threat.
